Fully Understanding Forgiveness

A Four-step Journey from Pain to Praise

Of all the issues we as humans face, the matter of forgiveness is perhaps the most difficult. When someone wounds us deeply, two powerful impulses rise at the same time: (1) a cry for justice and (2) an awareness that we need to forgive the offense. These impulses can feel like they are pulling us in opposite directions, and at times it feels like they might tear us apart. And when we add the fact that Scripture itself speaks strongly about both justice and forgiveness, the tension becomes even sharper. Many believers feel caught between these two realities and aren’t sure how to move forward.

This raises an important question: Is there a biblical pathway that makes room for both? If so, what does it look like, and how do we walk in it?

Before we explore that pathway, we need to acknowledge something that often goes unspoken. Many Christians are rushed into forgiveness. Well-meaning pastors and counselors sometimes urge people to “let it go” before they have even had the chance to fully process what has occurred. Perhaps worst of all, we hit them with the parable of the unforgiving servant and remind them that, if they don’t forgive others, God won’t forgive them. While that passage certainly has its place, when this happens, the person is often left with guilt, confusion, and a sense that their pain is somehow illegitimate.

Those of us in ministry are often good at reminding people to forgive, but we are not very good about telling them how.

These moments actually present tremendous opportunities for discipleship. Pain and confusion are often fertile ground for growth. Recognizing this reality is central to providing genuine help for people who are sincerely wrestling with the realities of life. If we begin by listening well to their story, we are in a better position to offer truths related to the discipleship opportunities they often have.

When we look at the broader scope of Scripture, we discover that God doesn’t dismiss our pain. Indeed, His Word gives us space. It honors our experience and suggests a journey that may unfold over time.

That journey begins in a place many Christians might not expect.

1. The Dilemma: Cries in the Moment

The Bible does not hide the rawness of human suffering. Listen to David’s voice while danger is still present, while betrayal is fresh, while fear is real. These are prayers spoken in the moment, when the threat is active and the heart is exposed.

“Arise, O LORD! Save me, O my God! For You strike all my enemies on the cheek.” —Psalm 3:7

“Let the evil of the wicked come to an end… let the violence of the wicked come to an end.” —Psalm 7:9

“Vindicate me, O LORD… You have tested my heart.” —Psalm 17:2–3

“Pour out Your indignation upon them… Let their habitation be desolate.” —Psalm 69:24–25

“May my accusers be clothed with dishonor.” —Psalm 109:29

Other psalms echo this same cry, including Psalms 5, 10, 28, 35, 40, 55, 58, 83, 94, 137, and more.

These prayers are as intense as they are honest. They rise from a heart under pressure. They therefore raise a question that many believers quietly carry: How do these cries fit with forgiveness? If forgiveness is part of the Christian life, what do we do with prayers like these?

The answer begins with a surprising transition.

2. The Turning Point: Entrusting Our Case

Jeremiah 11:20 contains a statement that deserves far more attention than it usually receives.

“O LORD of hosts… let me see Your vengeance on them, for to You I have committed my cause.”

The word “cause” is rîb (pronounced “reeve”)—a Hebrew legal term referring to a dispute or grievance.

Jeremiah is still hurting, feeling the present weight of injustice. He still longs for God to act. But significantly, something shifts. He commits his case to God. He entrusts the matter to the One who judges righteously.

This moment does not erase the pain. Notice that his act of entrusting accompanies a cry for justice. This prayer does not necessarily mark forgiveness, but it does reveal something important: We can acknowledge the wrong committed against us while placing the matter in God’s hands.

It hints that there may be a path that begins with crying out and moves toward something deeper.

Before we explore that path, we need to look at a passage that seems, at first glance, to stand in tension with everything we have just seen.

3. The Command to Release: Mark 11:25

Jesus says: “When you stand praying, forgive.”

Once again, pressure to forgive almost reflexively produces feelings of guilt if we can’t get there immediately. But the word Jesus uses—aphiēmi—carries the sense of releasing, letting go, or sending away. In this context, it points to releasing the offense rather than continuing to hold it against the offender.

While this may help, it does not completely relieve the tension. David cries out for justice. Jeremiah entrusts his grievance. Jesus calls us to release. How do these fit together?

Scripture does not give us a rigid sequence that every wounded person must follow. In fact, it portrays godly people responding to injustice in different ways.

Zechariah, the son of Jehoiada, cried out for God to avenge his murder (2 Chronicles 24:22). Stephen, facing death at the hands of his persecutors, prayed that God would not hold their sin against them (Acts 7:60). Paul appealed to God’s judgment concerning Alexander the coppersmith, yet at the same time prayed for mercy toward others who had deserted him (2 Timothy 4:14–16).

These responses differ, but Scripture is unmistakably clear about one response that is forbidden: taking vengeance into our own hands.

Paul writes, “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God.” He then quotes Deuteronomy 32:35: “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).

Consider Edom, the nation descended from Esau. The book of Obadiah describes how Edom responded to Judah’s calamity (verses 10–14). Rather than helping its brother nation, Edom gloated over Judah’s suffering, participated in its plundering, and helped deliver its fugitives to their enemies. God pronounced judgment upon Edom for its violence and treachery.

The warning is sobering. When we take justice into our own hands, we are taking a position that belongs only to God (Deuteronomy 32:35; Romans 12:19). Vengeance is truly His, and we must believe in His commitment to see our situation through. He has not surrendered His responsibility to judge (Genesis 18:25; 1 Peter 2:23). Whether His judgment comes quickly or slowly, in this life or beyond it, the matter ultimately belongs to Him (Romans 2:5–6; 1 Timothy 5:24).

This does not mean that we abandon legitimate efforts to protect ourselves or seek accountability. Scripture makes room for both. In the book of Esther, God opened a way for His people to defend themselves against those who were seeking their destruction (Esther 8:11; 9:1–5). Jesus teaches us to hold our brother accountable when he wrongs us (Matthew 18:15–17; Luke 17:3). But we must not confuse these qualifications with exacting revenge. God is the avenger (Romans 12:19; Hebrews 10:30).

And this brings us back to the importance of entrusting.

4. The Full Pivot: Entrusting Ourselves

Peter draws our attention to something remarkable about Jesus: “He kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously” (1 Peter 2:23). While Jeremiah entrusted his cause to God, Jesus entrusted His very self to God, knowing that He would judge righteously.

And notice the timing. Jesus entrusted Himself while suffering, while being wronged. He entrusted Himself while the injustice was still happening.

It is here that we must pause.

While Jesus demonstrated this trust in the midst of His suffering, others may struggle to reach this place. We must give people space, recognizing that entrusting may come early or late, sometimes only after considerable wrestling with what has happened.

For many of us, entrusting becomes the bridge between crying out and releasing. It means placing our confidence in the One who judges righteously.

Here is an axiom that may bring clarity to this entire matter of forgiveness:

We often have a forgiveness problem because we have a trust problem.

And as we learn to entrust our grievances and ourselves to a God of justice, something beautiful becomes possible—something we might not have expected.

5. The Resolution: Praise

In many of David’s psalms, his cries eventually transition into praise. Witness:

“Salvation belongs to the LORD.” —Psalm 3:8a

“I will give thanks to the LORD according to His righteousness.” —Psalm 7:17

“I will praise the name of God with a song… For the LORD hears the needy.” —Psalm 69:30–36

“I will give great thanks to the LORD… For He stands at the right hand of the needy.” —Psalm 109:30–31

David sets an example for us in moving beyond his pain toward renewed confidence in God. This is one way pain can become an occasion for discipleship. As we learn to turn our attention from the wrong we have suffered toward the God who knows and judges all, we may discover a new freedom to praise Him.

Praise is not a requirement that proves forgiveness has been completed. It is one of the beautiful possibilities that can emerge as we learn to trust God with our suffering.

So, while Scripture does not give us a rigid formula for forgiveness, it does reveal several important responses along the way. We see wounded people crying out to God, entrusting their grievances and themselves to Him, releasing offenses, and finding renewed freedom to praise.

These expressions do not necessarily occur in the same order or at the same pace for everyone. Nevertheless, recognizing them can help us understand that forgiveness is often a process, even though it often culminates in a decisive moment of release.

Along the way, Scripture gives us something particularly valuable: intermediate steps that help us move toward forgiveness without pretending that our wounds are insignificant.

If you’re struggling to forgive someone, consider where you are in this journey. Are you still crying out over the injustice? Are you struggling to entrust the matter—or yourself—to God? Begin by honestly acknowledging where you are, then tell God that you are leaning hard into Him to be the kind of person you know you need to be in order to trust Him and His commitment to justice enough to take the next step in regard to what has happened.

If, after all this, you still find yourself stuck, consider one further idea: Share this article with a friend or two, then tell them what you are dealing with and ask them to pray with you. The support of friends can be invaluable. “A three-stranded cord is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

A Pastoral Word

When it comes to the pain of injustice, there is a difference between in the moment and after the moment. When someone is still hurting, still processing, still trying to survive, they need space. As compassionate believers, we must give hurting people room to talk and process their situation. They need patience and understanding. Sometimes they need little more from us initially than a listening ear. They need to voice their pain to a fellow human being and they need permission to cry out to God. Even the martyrs in Revelation cry out for justice (Revelation 6:10).

But compassion and guidance need not be separated. As people begin to find their footing, we can help them see that Scripture offers a way forward. This often involves a willingness to acknowledge their pain while encouraging them to entrust themselves and their grievances to God. Here is the watchword:

Acknowledge the cry for justice, but be ready to point to a way forward and shepherd them through it.

Forgiveness is often a journey, one in which God can use even our deepest wounds to teach us to trust Him more fully. And when we walk that journey with care, we discover that Scripture has been lighting the way for us all along.

What Impacted You?

Which of these biblical responses—crying out, entrusting, releasing, or finding freedom to praise—has most helped you understand forgiveness? Why?